I asked a few trusted friends for their advice on how to communicate criticism. Here’s one friend’s response:

I personally believe that the biggest key to constructively criticizing someone or something is to ensure that it is not in any way a personal attack and to avoid using the word criticize, as it is generally accepted as pejorative, regardless of intention. One of the classic approaches is “I” statements (i.e. “I think this would work better if…”, as opposed to “You should do this…”). That’s a key to keeping people from feeling defensive, because as soon as it becomes an adversarial situation, everyone has lost and nothing will get done. I know that when I feel attacked, I disagree for the sake of disagreement, despite knowing that I shouldn’t as I’m an admittedly stubborn person. Express your disagreements as alternative ideas, make your point persuasively and address only the idea, not the person, as you’ve said. Even if the idea reflects a pattern of behavior, do your best to suggest changes that would affect the pattern of behavior without telling the person to change. Additionally, be sure to listen. No one likes being talked at or even to talk to a blank face. Actively engage in listening, respond to them instead of moving on to your next point. Have an actual discussion, while keeping your goal in mind. The result may end up being a compromise, but it will assuredly be better than previous. If this is a matter of dealing with a employee/subordinate, it comes down to their obstinacy. You should treat them with all the respect I’ve previously discussed, but they should understand that in a subordinate role it is their responsibility to respond to your interests, not in an absolute sense but certainly with significant deference. If they are not responding in such a manner, there is a breakdown in the employer/employee relationship and it would likely to be appropriate to take stronger action, note stronger not rash. So this has been rambling, but let me see if I can distill it:

1. Have a conversation, do not give a lecture.
2. If you want people to listen to you, listen to them.
3. Do not attack, the person or the idea.
4. Offer suggestions or hypotheticals of how you would deal with a situation (“I” statements).
5. If it becomes adversarial, all is lost. Step back, try again later.
6. Structure your discussion persuasively, not as a declaration.
7. Do not be averse to compromise. Compromise allows both sides to leave feeling as if they have been respected and have succeeded in some way.
8. Always be respectful, regardless of relationship.

These are honestly the thoughts off the top of my head, but they reflect my experiences in dealing with people. I would never claim to have followed them faithfully at all times, we’re all human and I’m stubborn, but in an ideal situation I would try to follow these as best I could. Hope this helps.

From personal experience, I feel like once the adversarial dynamic is created (exposed?) in a relationship, the relationship is doomed. You can try again but that dynamic is always lurking in the background, waiting to reassert itself. I find that with a lot of intentional micromanaging I can sustain a neutral-positive relationship, but there are just some people towards whom I inevitably feel tempted into an adversarial position. I find that my healthiest and most satisfying relationships are based on shared values, respect, love and trust.

Then again, it’s possible that relationship dynamics are just a habit, and whatever becomes initially ingrained carves itself deeper and deeper (perhaps relationship patterns are neurological and mimetic patterns?). But I speculate that if a pattern is caught and consciously corrected, a different habit can, with a lot of practice, take effect. You have to ask yourself, though: is it worth it? For certain relationships (family members) the answer for me is yes. For other ones I’m in doubt.

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