In my summary of Robert Cialdini’s Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, I supply succinct explanations of the principles of reciprocity, commitment and consistency, social proof, liking, authority, and scarcity. These principles, alongside extensive personal experimentation, are the basis for my recommendations.

As an exercise to improve your understanding of the principles, see if you can identify which of the six principles justify each suggestion. Also, even though I use “girl”, these principles apply equally to a woman trying to “play the game” with a man.

1. Buying drinks is actually a BAD idea. Although we do so because we are subconsciously invoking the principle of reciprocity in our favor (men surveyed reveal that after buying drinks, they perceive improved sexual access to the recipient), women actually say that it makes them feel manipulated.
2. Only answer the phone sometimes, and unpredictably. Send your texts at unpredictable intervals. I implore you to use common sense…this tip only applies before you have solidified your relationship. But a healthy dose of unpredictability can revive a stale relationship.
3. Give sincere compliments tailored to their ideal self-image. (If she is working at a travel agency, but longs to be a chef, compliment her cooking abilities. If he is a struggling entrepreneur, tell him that he seems really resilient and powerful.) This is scarily powerful.
4. Improve your looks through teeth whitening, face wash, well-fitting and trendy fashion. I know this one is going to get me some flak from the “I want them to accept myself as I am crowd”, but I’ll just say: good for you, you deserve what you get. Even if people claim that they aren’t superficial, or that they wouldn’t respond to these tactics, they do. (I’m thinking of Larry David in the rabbi’s office where he says “He knows not what he says”, and the Rabbi gets furious and tells Larry not to try to quote the bible, but that’s a totally unrelated tangent.. so, onward.)
5. Approach desirable members of the opposite sex with confident body language, reflecting positive emotions and self-assuredness. This is especially important with your vocal tonality…if you say something forceful, with your tonality descending, you will be perceived as confident.What do I mean by descending tonality? It means that you shouldn’t be talking like this? You know what I mean? Like the person in class who always makes every statement sound like a question? Be authoritative.(Look forward to more posts on body language and microexpressions).This phenomenon, in which we respond to behavior bearing a few shallow feature characteristics of confidence, is a total bizarre glitch in human nature; this is why the archetypical charismatic dirtbag can be so much more successful in dating than people who have achieved materialistic success or exhibit more worthwhile character traits. Even if you have nothing to be confident of, you can practice the external features of it and reap the benefits.

Do you think this is manipulative? Of course it is. But your competitors (girls AND guys) are doing it. Guys, girls LOVE this stuff. Makeup is manipulative; plastic surgery is manipulative; Cosmo is filled to the brim with manipulative tactics. (Although I sincerely, honestly, integrously believe in what I wrote in the above paragraph, the astute reader will note how it actually involves the principles of social proof and scarcity.)

Do you want a mate who wouldn’t respond to these tactics? Good luck, it’s not going to happen.

If you decide to ignore these principles and “just let things happen organically”, the selection of your mate is still going to be engineered by these processes; they’ll just be outside your conscious awareness.  I’ll tell you a personal story.

I was once dating a girl whom I liked, but wasn’t crazy about, as she didn’t meet my predefined standards for excellence in a mate. But sometimes when I wanted to hang out, she wasn’t available (Scarcity), friends whom I respected advised me that she was really cool (Social proof), she complimented me (Liking), and after I spent enough time with her, I invented new reasons why I liked her, making adjustments to my self-image, distorting reality and constructing a new identity that she fit into. (Consistency and commitment). But after rationality returned, I realized I had been out-goaled. I ended up breaking up with her because in reality, she was not in alignment with my long-term intentions for an exclusive mate.

The mainstream, “Hollywood” wisdom is  “just settle! Love is imperfect! I like her enough! This is what the universe wants! It’s hard meeting people!” That’s definitely the easy thing to do, and most people I know engage in this practice. We’re getting manipulated by outside forces regardless, so why fight it? But I prefer to assert control over my destiny.

If this has been interesting to you, consider purchasing Influence by Cialdini. Or just read my summary of it here.

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