I just finished reading the book “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman.

What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence (popularized by the term “EQ”) is the ability to identify and manage emotions in yourself; manage anxiety and stress; and defer distractions in the pursuit of goals.

Why am I emotionally intelligent? / Why am I not emotionally intelligent?

Genes, somewhat, and your parents’/teachers’ ability to teach you emotional skills. Arbitrary events in childhood shape your emotional brain.

What biological phenomena cause emotional intelligence?

A set of excellent connections between the amygdala/limbic system (where emotions originate) and the neocortex. Sensory input gets routed to the thalamus, where it then gets routed in parallel to the neocortex and the amygdala. However, the pathway to the amygdala is shorter, so that explains why we have gut reactions to external stimuli and then end up understanding why, (micro)seconds later.

People who aren’t emotionally intelligent (with a “low EQ”) either don’t understand which emotions they are experiencing, or they understand them but can’t deal with them effectively. People with autism tend to have very low EQ. That’s why they make “weird” gestures while walking down the street, such as arm flapping, or tend to rock in their chairs during a meeting. It’s because arm flapping feels good (and they’re flapping their arm in order to regulate their emotions, or create positive feelings), and so does rocking in a chair. Unfortunately, due to their low EQ, they don’t realize that they need to employ different strategies to regulate their emotions: they don’t realize that they probably should employ socially acceptable strategies.

This inability stems from the fact that they probably don’t realize that they are experiencing negative emotions, and then if they do, they don’t know how to deal with them.

Why people are wary of obese people

Call me callous, but I don’t trust most obese people on a true deep level. This is because their overeating doesn’t always stem from a gland issue, or a love of food, but instead, a poor sense of emotional regulation. In Anna Karenina, Tolstoy articulates this well, as he describes how the protagonist “smiled joyously: not because there was anything particularly agreeable in his mind–the joyous smile was evoked by a good digestion.” Indeed, eating is a primary reinforcer. When we eat, we almost always feel good.** Therefore, when people feel bad, they often turn to food to ease their poor emotional state.

** other primary reinforcers include sex, water, and sleep.

Thoughts affect emotions (or if we wanna be cute: thoughts affect affect)

Most of our emotional regulations habits are automatic, and below the level of consciousness. This includes thought loops. Thoughts, in addition to external environmental sitmuli, can trigger emotions; this is because there is a loop between the limbic system and the neocortex. You can change your thoughts over time, and practice “positive” thoughts. This is why methods such as CBT have been proven effective in treating depression: they alter the pathways between neocortex and the amygdala. However, they take time, because neural pathways/loops only become permanent when they are accessed repeatedly. (This is the same explanation behind the phenomenon that memories only become crystallized after spaced repetition.)

But it’s automatic

When negative things happen in the environment, we often feel sad, angry, anxious, confused… and then default to behaviors that soothe our emotions. For example, let’s say I’m playing PES 2008 on Xbox, the best soccer game ever, and my buddy scores a goal on me. I might instinctively reach for the chips, or to take a sip of my drink.

You can use these spotted behaviors as cues to another person’s emotional state. And emotions are motivated by needs, so that can clue you in to their desires, and what makes them tick. Major warning though:

**It is very very easy to misinterpret what other people are thinking. VERY easy. So it should only be done if you ABSOLUTELY have to make a guess about it, because the situation calls for it and extra information could benefit you immensely (such as in business or in poker).**

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If you want a more in-depth exploration of emotional intelligence, go get Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. You’ll enjoy it; it’s superbly written, intelligent, and accessible.

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