A branch of psychology called cognitive therapy has identified specific thought patterns that attack self-esteem and lead to depression. These thought patterns have been learned – they can also be un-learned.

The model A -> B -> C helps us understand:

*Activating Events*  lead to *Beliefs, and automatic self-talk* which give a *Consequence, or feeling*
By changing our beliefs, we can change the way external events make us feel.

Here are thirteen distortions, or ways in which our Beliefs are often inaccurate. By correcting our thoughts, and changing our beliefs, we feel better and have a more accurate understanding of reality.

Assuming

When we assume that we fully understand reality, when in truth we do not. One example is interpreting that our friend is ignoring our phone calls because they do not like us, when in reality they are just busy with a personal emergency. Another example is assuming we will not have a good time at an event, when in reality we won’t know until we experience it.

Shoulds

As humans, we often make unreasonable demands on ourselves, such as that we “should” be perfect. In reality, if we could be perfect, we would be. Instead, we can make honest appraisal of our situation and strive for best performance, while also realizing that perfection is an illusion – a myth – only something to strive towards.

The Fairy-Tale Fantasy

Whenever we utter the phrase “it’s not fair!” we are succumbing to an illusion of what we think life should be. So we say, it would be nice if things were better, but they’re not. I would what I could do to improve them?

All or Nothing Thinking

Just because you don’t bat 100%, doesn’t mean that you are a failure. It means that your performance is fallible. Furthermore, all or nothing thinking tends to discount all positive performance. For example, if you get 80% on a test, you may have been 20% short of a perfect score, but you also got 80% of the questions right!

Overgeneralizing

Overgeneralizing is self-talk exemplified by statements such as “I never do well at math” or “Nobody likes me”. They simply aren’t true. You surely do well at some math (I bet you could tell me, pretty quickly, what 2 + 3 evaluates to), and I’m sure that at least one person likes you.

If you catch yourself making overgeneralizing statements, you can quickly and easily disprove them with just one counterexample! Then, although you might still be affected by the bad thoughts and emotions, you rob them of their integrity, and they will eventually collapse.

Labeling

Labeling is a convenient mental shortcut but often prone to oversimplification. If you mess something up, you are not an idiot. Maybe you just performed that task in an idiotic way!

Dwelling on the Negative

When you focus all of your attention on something negativity, your attention is unable to also focus on positive aspects of a situation – therefore, your perceptions become distorted. If you catch yourself in a negative thought loop, try to intervene by forcing yourself to find some positive aspects of the situation.

For a long time, I was extremely insecure about my big nose. Look at this site as a GREAT example of ways you can accentuate the positive: http://thehappypill.wordpress.com/2007/06/01/thank-god-for-my-big-nose/

Rejecting the Positive

This occurs when you get a compliment, and then downplay it. Often times, people will downplay their achievements yet accept in full force their faults. This is an unfair balance that leads to unhappiness!

Unfavorable Comparisons

It’s impossible to compare yourself to others fairly. Each person has a unique history that gifted them with unique talents and cursed them with unique handicaps. Evaluate your skills with respect to your own goals: measure by your own yardstick. And make that yardstick ahead of time, so it can stay a consistent accurate metric.

Catastrophizing

When an event occurs and you respond “I can’t stand it!” you are catastrophizing. After all, you can clearly stand it enough to say (or think!) that you can’t stand it. The only thing that you can’t stand, perhaps, is getting steamrolled to death, literally. If you think a future event will be a catastrophe, ask yourself what the odds are of it happening, and if it does happen, how likely it is to do you in, and if the worst happens, what will you do?

Personalizing

Personalizing happens when you take ownership for external events: for example, a breakup in a relationship can’t be “all your fault”; it takes two people to make chemistry. Influence and cause are not the same thing! You have have influenced an event, but you didn’t completely cause it. Look for other potential sources of influence before you take full responsibility for something.

Blaming

“He makes me mad!”
“She’s so annoying!”

When blaming, it’s often difficult to assume realistic responsibility for your welfare, and attribute it to outside sources. You still have control over your life – something may have contributed to you being in a negative state, but you still have the power to overcome it. For example: “Just because my mother abused me as a child, doesn’t mean that I have to turn bitter and cynical.” Or: “I performed poorly on that exam because I didn’t study enough. Next time I’ll plan better.”

Making Feelings Facts

Your feelings are not proof of the way things really are. For example, “I feel worthless” becomes “I am a worthless person.” Feelings result from thoughts, and if our thoughts are distorted, then our feelings may not reflect reality. A counter-example is a useful attack here: ask yourself what a 100% worthless person would be like. Then ask, are you like that person? No, you aren’t. Your feelings are not your facts.

Conclusion

Although negative self-talk may catalyze you to improve your skills, it’s not necessary: you can still be set on improvement while maintaining a realistic model of reality inside your head. The next time you’re feeling bad, try to identify which of the above thought distortions you may be falling victim to, and then try to disarm them with a counterexample. Remember, all these negative patterns were acquired, they are not innate. Accordingly, they can be replaced.

I did not invent the above list – they come from the “Self-Esteem Workbook“, available from Amazon.com for $13.57.

Inside: Life Behind Bars in America

The book is by Michael Santos. Santos became a top distributor of cocaine in his early 20s and was sentenced to 25 years in prison as well as serious fines. In Inside, Santos describes his experiences in prison. He’s still inside, by the way. He won’t get out til 2013. It’s good book to read if you are like me and enjoy reading about tribal politics, underground economies, prison warfare, illicit sex, … and it reinforces several beliefs I have, the most important one is that human behavior is incentive-based. I’m not going to give away the entertaining tales of prison rape and gang warfare. Go give Santos your $10.17 if you want to read about it.

Criminals such as “gangstas” are no different from anyone else. They want to get theirs, and to that end, they are willing to carry as much risk as they can get away with. They pick a strategy optimized for their perceived skills and perceived market opportunities.

Inside prison, you can choose to live by the criminal code – the tribal code – or you can live by the code of society. If you live by the criminal code, you have the chance of making your stay more comfortable; by beating on low-status inmates, you can earn privileges such as a single cell and the respect of fellow inmates. But you also risk adding more time onto your sentence.

On the other hand, if you live by the code of society, then you can simply expect to serve out your sentence without additional added time. There is no social upside for good behavior as it is not rewarded, whereas there are major punishments for bad behavior.

A major theme of Santos’s writing is that the prison system serves not to rehabilitate inmates – simply to house them. Inmates leave prison just as equipped to make an “honest” living in society as they were when they entered prison any number of years earlier. Sure, some may earn GEDs, which may contribute to the 30% of those who avoid recidivation. But most spend the years frustrated, and continue their criminal social programming. When they get out, they break laws. Humans adopt a strategy to survive and inmates are not taught the skills necessary to adopt a profitable, socially acceptable strategy.

Fortunately Santos has done as much in his power to improve his situation to the point where he can to contribute to society in positive and legal ways, such as by writing an interesting book to better inform people about prison culture.

You can get the book at Amazon here.

This is a followup to my earlier post about applying steve pavlina’s truth-love-power model to weight loss

Since January 1, I have lost a lot of weight. I was approximately 217 pounds on January 1. When I posted that blog entry, on January 22, I weighed 212 pounds. It is now March 1, and I weigh 198-200 pounds. I have been doing my best to stick to a low-GI diet. I recently bought some ready-to-eat salads from Trader Joe’s and installed a pullup bar in my room.

My friends can be bad influences, but I have enough willpower to override their attempts at dragging me off course. To really push my results to the next level, I ought to integrate some really healthy people into my life. I went to a raw food meetup courtesy of meetup.com and made friends with some raw foodists; so hopefully they will influence me to eat rawer and I will experience the benefits accordingly.